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What’s Your Importance Quotient?

Here's a Simple Way to Assess Your Personal Standing in the Universe

Here’s a Simple Way to Assess Your Personal Standing in the Universe

Looks like my role as scourge of the IBOC camp has been taken on by others with more clout and influence. So it’s time to move on to another project – like figuring out how to become someone with more clout and influence. We’d all like to have those, right?

As with any project that involves movement from one place to another, it’s essential to determine with substantial precision the point from which you are starting. Therefore I present the following test of your “IQ” (Importance Quotient). After taking the following simple test, you will know just where you stand in the grand scheme of things, and thereby know how much work you’ll have to do to gain clout and influence. Let’s begin.

1) On how many people’s speed dials does your home number appear?

a) 0 to 2

b) 3 to 5

c) 6 to 10

d) 11 or more

2) How many NDAs (non-disclosure agreements) have you been asked to sign?

a) None

b) None that wasn’t intended to stimulate a leak

c) 1 to 5 (real ones)

d) I’m not at liberty to disclose that information

3) How many times have you been audited by the IRS?

a) None

b) Once, but they ended up owing me money

c) 1-3 times

d) 4 or more times (1 point bonus if handcuffs were involved)

4) Have you ever been sued?

a) No

b) Only by former spouses

c) Yes, but the case was dismissed

d) Yes, and the story became a Hollywood screenplay

5) Have you ever been invited to testify before a congressional hearing?

a) No

b) Yes, once

c) Yes, twice or more (it’s now accounting for a significant portion of my current income)

d) Not since joining the Witness Protection Program

6) Have you ever heard the words “It’s Morley Safer calling. He wants to interview you for ’60 Minutes'”?

a) No

b) Yes, but it ended up on the cutting-room floor

c) Yes, and the piece actually ran

d) Yes, and my voice and image were disguised

7) Have you ever been the subject of an artistic creation?

a) No

b) Yes, but it was my child’s elementary-school project

c) Yes, but I really needed the money at the time and I’d rather not talk about it now

d) I’m the one Carly Simon was singing about in “You’re So Vain”

8) Have you ever been an adviser to an elected official?

a) No

b) Does a student-government representative count?

c) None that weren’t subsequently indicted

d) I am not at liberty to disclose that information

9) Are you now or have you ever been a member of Mensa?

a) What’s Mensa?

b) Never

c) Possibly, I can’t remember

d) Mensa is my life

10) Finally, how would you categorize your life’s most impressive achievement to date?

a) My amazing children

b) My incredible personal wealth

c) My vastly over-inflated ego

d) Did I mention my incredible personal wealth?

OK, pencils down. Now tabulate your “IQ” score. It’s easy.

Give yourself one point for every (a) answer, two points for every (b) answer, three points for every (c) answer, and four points for every (d) answer. Let’s see how you rate:

If you scored less than 15 points, you are advised to try a career in the monastic life.

If you scored between 15 and 25 points, you should probably hire an agent (a good one – you’ll need it).

If you scored between 26 and 35 points, you show signs of extreme personal aggrandizement. Consider running for public office.

If you scored over 36 points, Zaphod Beeblebrox will be calling shortly to invite you to lunch. (If you don’t get that, well, obviously that’s one reason why you didn’t score over 36 points, and perhaps you never read the Douglas Adams book or heard the BBC radio adaptation of “The Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy.”)

So now you know the place you occupy on the importance spectrum. Or at least on the self-importance spectrum.But isn’t that the most important criterion of all?

Sorry. No data so far.