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Updated: Leykis for Sale

Need a ride? Tom Leykis is selling a ride and some “quality time” with him — for a small donation.

With all due apologies to Cole Porter — Tom Leykis never struck me as a limousine driver but a guy’s gotta do what a guy’s gotta do to eat. The irreverent host (an understatement if ever there was one), now exclusively on the Internet, is putting himself up for sale on eBay. Well, more accurately, he’s putting himself up for rent on eBay. More specifically, he’s offering himself as a limo driver for a few hours, to the winning bidder.

Need a ride? Tom Leykis is offering the ride of a lifetime to the winning bidder of the “Spend a Couple of Hours With Tom Leykis in His Tesla Model S Signature” eBay auction. BTW, any woman encountering the above situation is advised to immediately dial 911 … The carriage of choice is Leykis’ Tesla Model S Signature. The location, lovely Southern California. The whole point — to benefit the “Tom Leykis Show” and his The New Normal company. It’s just like PBS, only a bit saltier.

Surprisingly, the freewheeling Leykis has a list of trip dos and don’ts on the eBay page. Most disappointing, considering Leykis, no drugs or booze in the car.

It’s almost like cruising with Felix Unger … Almost.

The rules don’t say anything about drive-thru food! First stop on your trip should be In-N-Out Burger. You might have to pay so go all the way and get the Double-Double, large fries, gallons of ketchup and a big shake.

On the other hand, Tom promises to be on his best behavior (though some might complain that they want the Real McCoy Tom not the Church Lady Tom).

It’s not clear what happens if the battery-powered Tesla runs out of juice … Knowing Tom, you might have to get out and push. Maybe a minivan full of interns can follow the Tesla.

But let’s be real, a few hours on the road with Tom Leykis is probably the closest thing comparable to a few hours on the road with Hunter Thompson or H.L. Mencken. There are a lot of people who would pay for that, even if that was a slight overstatement.

In fact, the promotion is described as a little “quality time with Tom.” It also says they’ll “do whatever it takes to keep going.” Now that sounds like the Tom we know and love.

The bidding ends Nov. 15 and is currently approaching $5,000. Go here to let the fun begin (and don’t blame us if you wind up naked in a Tijuana gutter with a kidney missing — what did you expect with Tom Leykis driving?).

UPDATED: The winning bid was a sweet $7,800. Good luck, whoever you are.